Gillian Key: The Hateread – Key to Conflict, Chapter 18

Previously, on Such Shit, So Vampire: Wow, Gillian and Aleksei are about to be all up ons when the phone rings. Predictably, Tanis shows up at that very moment, and somehow he doesn’t seem to suspect anything. She runs over to Tanis and is all up on him, because suddenly now they’re a sweet couple or something.

jim carrey hork

Tanis is leaving for the extremely peripheral diplomatic mission to…someone of no significance. He suspects there’s something going on between Aleksei and Gillian, but he says (in telepathic-talk, though I’m still not sure why that exists), “Yes, but I want it clear, Aleksei. Take care of her. I charge you with her happiness and well-being.” Aleksei apparently understands this, but I do not. Is Tanis trying to get them to fuck? If that’s the case, why is the narrative implying that Tanis isn’t thrilled they have the hots for each other?

And is there anyone who doesn’t think Tanis is going to die?

They apparently said “the long goodbye” the previous night.

eye roll arrested development

Then he left in a swirl of cape and gleam of boots.” I literally just lol’ed.

The narrative assures us that Gillian cares about Tanis as a friend mind you, and she’s all conflicted about Aleksei. This is at least an attempt at emotional depth, which deserves a head pat.

But oh, the phone call? Aleksei is finding out that Gillian has been a fucking idiot.

i'm shocked

She hasn’t been answering emails or calls, so the IPPA calls Aleksei to find out if she’s okay.

What the actual fuck? Every time she takes a break from being a complete TSTL moron, she comes back with a vengeance. If you’re doing a very sensitive, dangerous operation and, by the way, trying to keep the magnitude a secret from your vampire friends for no goddamned reason, why the hell wouldn’t you let your bosses think you’re MIA? This woman is utterly, loathesomely incompetent.

But the author doesn’t seem to care about how her character comes off, because this whole setup was created so Aleksei finds out that Gillian has been keeping secrets for no goddamned reason omg why.

Anubis comes in and Aleksei tells him what’s wrong. Anubis cautions him not to talk to Gillian while he’s furious, which seems like good advice, given the propensity toward violence or threats of violence that seems to run in this godforsaken family.

But I also understand Aleksei’s anger completely. I mean, this isn’t petty shit. She withheld information that affects all of them, and he has every right to be toweringly angry. When Aleksei tells him all about it, Anubis is pissed, too.

Oh my god, does this mean the vampires are going to kill her for being an idiot? Pleeeeeeeeaaaase? Can we get a smarter main character? No? Fuck.

Despite finding Gillian being threatened hysterical earlier, Anubis actually tries to intervene this time and tells Aleksei not to scare her. Aleksei says, “That is where our opinions differ, Anubis. I fully intend to frighten her.And you know what, I almost agree with him, except for one important fact: I know we’re supposed to believe that Aleksei is a heroic character, not an anti-hero. He’s not supposed to be as repulsive as he is.

Aleksei calls Gillian into the library. “Propelling her forward, he took her to the desk. Half sitting on it, he pressed her hips against his thigh, his hand in the small of her back, and reached for a notepad.” I can’t picture this position oh no yes I can is he going to spank her again FUCK THIS BOOK FUCK IT SO HARD

She catches on that he found out about her needless secrets and wants her to explain. Here’s what she has to say:

“I didn’t want to scare everyone to death, Aleksei. You all are so concerned about me all the time. There are whole villages, countries, hundreds, thousands of people who are at risk, and they have no idea of the danger they are in.

you are an idiot


Oh, yup, he’s fixin’ to spank her.

jodi foster pissed

This, THIS is how she realizes he cares about her, because he’s…scared enough to spank her, or something. THIS is how she realizes she fucked up and she needs to apologize.




adventure time crying

And then we get this: “Hearing truth in her words and realizing that she was scared, he stood her upright. He didn’t want her to be afraid of him.”


“That is where our opinions differ, Anubis. I fully intend to frighten her.”

“That is where our opinions differ, Anubis. I fully intend to frighten her.” 


She’d hurt him, frightened him for no reason and she knew it. That didn’t feel very good. Maybe the spanking would be less painful.”

sweater i'm done

I am sputtering with indignation. It’s not even completely rage at this point, though that is definitely fucking present too. I just… THIS MAKES NO SENSE OMG WHY

Excuse me, I need a moment to consider my life choices.

He decides not to spank her. Instead he hugs her, and she smells like “sunlight, snow and clover.” I’m pretty sure this is the…third time her smell has been referenced? And it’s been slightly different every time. This makes her sound like a Victoria’s Secret perfume. She’s small and blonde and etc. etc. etc. because those descriptors are the most important ones. He wants to fuck her real bad blah blah they’re interrupted again, thank god. Somebody needs Aleksei and everybody hurries out.

Holy fuck, is something going to HAPPEN?

Oh, there’s a body!

Could it be…could it really…

GODDAMMIT IT’S NOT TANIS. It’s some random werewolf, who’s been “impaled lengthwise on a thick wooden stake.” I’m not sure what that means, exactly. Is he impaled through the stomach or, like, the way Vlad the Impaler actually did it, which is a giant wooden stake up the ass? And can you kill a werewolf with a stake?

i dunno lol

The werewolf has the word “Voldevode” (“warlord”) carved into his chest, which might just be the first actual Romanian word in the whole damn book. Aleksei says, “Dracula’s personal calling card. He is here.

Hasn’t he been here since his lackey attacked Gillian? If not, why the fuck has he been waiting all this time? Did he personally kill this nameless werewolf, and if so, why that guy? Why does he matter? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON??

Aleksei tries to contact Tanis telepathically. Tanis isn’t there. Ooo boy, is he dead yet? Aleksei hugs Gillian and says, “I cannot locate Tanis.”


Chapter ends.


It’s like the author has completely lost control of this book, and everyone is terrible, an idiot, or both.  My confidence in the story that everything will turn out well and make sense, which might allow me to hang with anything that seems icky or terrible, was never developed, because from the beginning, everyone has been a complete tool. I shouldn’t be hoping Tanis is dead. I should feel the gravity of the situation and understand the stakes. But this story is as incompetent as its main character. Goddammit, I am just so mad at this book.

Remember this guy? This is for everyone in this book.

you suck and that's sad

Chapter 17 here. Chapter 19 coming soon.


2 thoughts on “Gillian Key: The Hateread – Key to Conflict, Chapter 18

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